Facebook facelift gets personal

There were two big news items today. Stephen Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, passed away. I’m not going to say any more because unless you’ve been living in a hole this weekend, you’ve heard every single detail there is to know about his death. And if you have been living in a hole, I doubt you’d be reading this obscure little blog anyway.

News item#2: Facebook gets a facelift. Again, seeing as how everyone and their mother has already heard about this, a post about it was deemed unnecessary. When I first found out about the update, I logged in to see the changes. I was appalled and amused at the same time. I mean, everyone already used Facebook to stalk right? (Don’t lie, you know you do.) This really isn’t that big of a deal. Or so I thought. That is, until I logged in tonight. Here are a few snippets from my home page:

Begin rants
“_____ and ____ ended their relationship. 7:26 pm” Are you fucking serious? Do you really think that’s the way I wanted to find out? I guess if I had a puppy dog crush on either of them, I might be overjoyed and start planning my master plan of becoming Rebound Boyfriend. Too bad I don’t.

I don’t know whose bright idea at Facebook it was to include this feature. That’s just inappropriate. Are you going to keep me appraised of the situation, Facebook? Will you update me with, “____ is wallowing in sorrow. 9:31 pm,” followed by “____ is crying herself to sleep. 1:43 am?” Then why’d you tell me they broke up in the first place? Eff yew Facebook.

Let’s move on to the next item: “____ is no longer single. 4:11pm” I’ll admit, that raised an eyebrow and produced a “hmmmmmmm?” in my throat. Until I realized again how despicable Facebook was. If Facebook were a person, I’d smack it right across its smug, sketchy face. Why would you incite people to poke their noses in other people’s personal lives? Who am I to speculate why ____ is now single?

On a softer note, I don’t care that John Smith doesn’t like The Simple Life any more. Neither do I care that Jane Doe has a newfound love for tea. Frankly, I don’t give a shit. I just want to find pictures of that cute girl I met last night. I don’t want to be updated everytime a friend farts or picks their nose.

Tagged: Facebook, Stalking, Inappropriate behavior, Steve Irwin